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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Phantom shitter strikes again.

We just received the following e-mail from an Airways Station officer. Apparently, hijinks abound at the station house. This will be some light "shit" (excuse the pun) posted for humor:

Maybe you've heard of this. If not, you could have some fun with it so who am I to be stingy with it?
Since around the middle of November 07 we've had a rash of incidents in the precinct's men's locker room, specifically the restroom portion.
Periodically, someone will come in and "tear da club up". They're shitting and then smearing it all over the walls of the stall. This has happened a number of times, and garnered enough attention from management that then Inspector Douglas made several roll calls and promised ten days for the perpetrator when finally caught. Eventually, he told us all that Security Squad had been informed and was going to handle the "investigation": a single camera was installed outside the men's locker room. It was clearly not hooked up to a damn thing, but management thought they appeared to be vigorously investigating so what the fuck.
The Phantom Shitter laid low for awhile after the fake camera went up, but I have been informed that he struck again Sunday night. This prompted sexual harassment expert Major Wayne Williams to hit the D shift roll call monday might, pleading, "If you're shitting all over the bathroom, you gotta stop." He went on to entice the Phantom Shitter to come come forward to get the help he needs. Playing good cop/bad cop all by himself, he then threatened that Security Squad had been informed and was taking over the investigation (again?). He informed the congregation that there was videotape evidence, they had a suspect, but needed him to come forward. An alert officer asked what the precinct crapper door camera revealed, he did what any good MPD manager would and lied. He said the camera was monitored somewhere outside the precinct (Chico's Desk). Clearly he's all about his credibility.
It's all so very exciting, and I have more juicy details for you if you're interested.